break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm like, not good at living.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
