I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
