I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
