i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
