Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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