His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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