Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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