So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
