I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
