I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
