I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
