Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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