Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Someone signed my nipple.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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