come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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