Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
