I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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