god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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