Ambien. No doubt about it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
