The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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