yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
