So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
