dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
