Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
