Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
