Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
