They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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