his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
