Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
