honey bunches of taint.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
