Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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