If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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