you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
