im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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