Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
birth control should be required to get into college
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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