2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
