Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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