Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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