mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize