Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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