The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
