I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
