How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
