when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
