He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
