I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
