Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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