I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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