did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
