Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
