i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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