Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
