I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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