the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
