I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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