omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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