i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
