hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
