A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
don't judge my taste in strippers
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
