Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
