Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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